How to help a friend who's hurting themselves
If you've found out that a friend is self-harming, it's normal to feel scared, helpless, or unsure what to say. You don't have to fix it, and you're not responsible for keeping them safe on your own. What you can do is be a kind, steady person who helps them reach real support. This page won't go into methods or details, it's only here to help you help them.
Recognise any of this?
Being the friend who knows is a heavy spot to be in. These feelings are completely normal.
💜You're a good friend for caring this much. Here's how to help without carrying it alone.
Stay calm and don't make them feel judged
Try not to react with panic, anger, or disgust, even if you're frightened for them. A gentle "I'm really glad you told me, you're not in trouble" helps them feel safe enough to keep talking instead of shutting down.
Listen more than you talk
You don't need the perfect words. Ask how they've been feeling and really listen, without rushing to advice. Often the most powerful thing you can offer is "that sounds so hard, I'm here."
Gently encourage them to tell a trusted adult
This is the most important step. A parent, school counsellor, GP, or helpline can give the kind of support a friend can't. Offer to help them find the words, or to sit with them while they do it, so they don't have to face it alone.
Tell a trusted adult yourself if you're worried for their safety
If your friend is in danger or you're really scared, telling a safe adult is not betraying them, it's keeping them safe. You can say "I'm only telling you because I care about them." A secret about self harm is one that's okay, and important, to share.
Look after yourself too
Carrying a friend's pain is heavy, and it's okay if it affects you. You're allowed to talk to your own trusted adult about how you're feeling. You can be a good friend without becoming their therapist, those are two different things.
You do not have to fix your friend. Staying, listening and telling someone who can help is already enough.
How to actually be there
You can't fix it, and you're not meant to. But the way you show up really does help. Here's how to do it without burning yourself out.
Keep checking in, even after the big conversation
A simple "how are you doing today?" days or weeks later tells your friend they're not a one off crisis to you, they're someone you care about ongoing. Consistency matters more than saying the perfect thing.
Set kind limits so you don't burn out
It's okay to say "I really care about you, and I'm not able to reply through the night, but here's a number you can call any time." Looking after yourself isn't abandoning them, it's what lets you keep being a good friend.
🧰Do & don't tool kit
💬Things that are genuinely helpful to say
✨Try this
Decide together on one trusted adult to tell, and offer to be there when it happens, sitting next to them, helping them find the words, or even just waiting outside the door. Telling someone with a friend is far less frightening than doing it alone, and it's often the single most helpful thing you can do.
Why this matters
Friends are often the first, and sometimes the only, people a struggling teen confides in. That means you're in a really caring position, but it was never meant to be yours to hold alone. Helping them reach a trusted adult or helpline isn't going behind their back, it's making sure they get support that actually lasts.
Understand it
Being the friend who knows is a heavy spot to be in. These feelings are completely normal.
You might notice:
- You saw marks, or they told you, and now you're scared of saying the wrong thing.
- You feel like it's on you to keep them safe, all by yourself.
- They begged you not to tell anyone and you don't know what to do with that.
- You keep replaying it, wondering if you somehow missed the signs.
- Start here if it feels right: Stay calm and don't make them feel judged.
- Or give this a go: Listen more than you talk.
In real life
A friend is self-harming and you don't know what to do? Here's how to be there for them, and for you.
Things you can actually try:
- Stay calm and don't make them feel judged: Try not to react with panic, anger, or disgust, even if you're frightened for them.
- Listen more than you talk: You don't need the perfect words.
- Gently encourage them to tell a trusted adult: This is the most important step.
- Tell a trusted adult yourself if you're worried for their safety: If your friend is in danger or you're really scared, telling a safe adult is not betraying them, it's keeping them safe.
- Look after yourself too: Carrying a friend's pain is heavy, and it's okay if it affects you.
- Keep checking in, even after the big conversation: A simple "how are you doing today?" days or weeks later tells your friend they're not a one-off crisis to you, they're someone you care about ongoing.